Awed and Amazed

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!!"

God’s Promise and Children June 30, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — mafuller @ 1:04 AM

Reading through the beginning chapters of Hebrews this weekend I was reminded yet again of God’s promise to Abraham. Hebrews 6:13-20 talks about God’s promise to Abraham, “I will surely bless you and give you many descendants.” It reminded me of a sermon a few months ago on the God’s promise to Abraham and the patience and faith on Abraham’s behalf, but it was also about how God’s promise may not look like what you expect. I remember thinking about this sermon and how I too someday hope to have a family. I also remember the lesson of patience that began shortly after that sermon that I work on daily still.

My parents and grandparents retell many stories from when I was younger and my passion for taking care of “babies.” My mom likes to tell the stories of Phoebe and me taking care of newborn kittens and helping our family friend Richard with piglets when he used our farrowing building on our property. My grandfather likes to tell of the day I told him I wanted to go into medicine to be a pediatrician at the age of 6. I could go on and on with my involvement with children, I have always had a soft spot and love for them.

In the past month, two of my friends have had children of their own and I was able to celebrate that with them and spend time with the new babies. I have also had a handful of other friends announce that they are expecting or are planning to start their family. Being surrounded by my friends and their families, I have been feeling that tug of wanting to share in their excitement of my own.

Well this weekend I was thrown into the thick of taking care of children around the clock. My friend Deborah and her husband Jake have two wonderful girls, Ava who is 16 months and Kyleigh who is four weeks old. Anyone who talks to me on a regular basis hears about these little girls all the time. Well this past weekend, Jake’s older brother Adam committed his life to Jes and the entire family was part of the wedding. Mom and dad stood up for Jes and Adam and the girls were flower girls. Deborah asked for help (and an extra set of hands) with the girl’s at the wedding and of course “Auntie” Mary was there to help. I was placed of Ava duty; I was to make sure she made it down the aisle as the cutest flower girl ever and to keep an eye on her so that mom and dad could do their duties as part of the bridal party.

I had a blast helping out and loved the time I got to spend with the girls. I loved playing with Ava, making her laugh, chasing her all over the place, and hearing her say my name for the first time. I loved snuggling, watching and feeding Kyleigh. I only got to see two minutes of the actual wedding ceremony because Miss Ava was on the go and needed to run so we went inside away from the ceremony to play. For two days, I had the pleasure to see what Deborah’s life was like on a daily basis with two children under the age of two. I had the pleasure of seeing what a 16 month old is like when they only get 1 ½ hour nap for the entire day. I had the pleasure of taking care of two children by myself for a few hours. I had the pleasure of making sure I had blankies, pacifiers, diapers, snacks, sippy cups, bottles, change of clothes, toys, etc with me at all times.

I enjoyed every moment and by the time I left Sunday I was completely and utterly exhausted. Deborah kept saying “Welcome to my world.” Her father in law even commented that he couldn’t have done what I did all weekend. When I got home, I asked my mom “how did you do it? You are amazing!” (I remember a specific instance of my mother with all four of us flying to Boston to see my dad’s family. Hannah was in a carrier on my mom’s back, JC was on a kid leash, and she was holding onto to Phoebe and I with each of her hands. Not to mention carry on luggage….) I can’t remember working at the daycare being this exhausting when I was in charge of 13 kids ages ranging from 3 months to 3 years for 8 hours. I learned a few things this weekend:  1. I still love kids and will someday have my own family 2. I can’t do it alone 3. I am not ready at this point in my life for children; a few other necessary items must be in place before that happens 4. My mom was a rockstar with taking care of us kids on her own when dad was away on business trips.  I know someday I will have children and it will be awesome, but at this time I am perfectly content to be “Auntie” Mary until God blesses me with a godly husband and a family of our own.

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God in the Small Moments June 26, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — mafuller @ 11:09 PM

It’s eleven on a Friday night and I am just sitting here listening to the clock ticking, the slow deep breaths of an exhausted momma, the quiet breaths of her one month old daughter sleeping on her chest, the music and quiet stirrings of her sister in the next room on the baby monitor and watching the lightning bugs light up as they move across the window screen. Life doesn’t get much better than this. 🙂 It is moments like this that make us so thankful and feel so blessed that God has placed these moments in your life. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions this last week and I am glad this is how I am ending my Friday night. Thank you for moments like this that allow me to reflect on how gracious and glorious you are Lord. Thank you for moments like this that make up for the ones that are full of pain and hurt. Thank you for blessing me with such a support system. Thank you for your ultimate sacrifice so that I can be your daughter. God you are amazing.

 

Why Do We Question God? June 21, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — mafuller @ 10:16 PM

This last week or so I have been meditating and reflecting on God’s word in Hebrews 12. I randomly had turned to that section and I don’t think it was a coincidence. This chapter is packed of things I have been pondering and somewhat dealing with. The last section of this chapter Hebrews 12:14-29, concentrates warning us not to refuse God. It outlines the ways we refuse; not teaching others about God, treating fellow Christians badly, not seeking God’s word, not listening to God when he speaks to us, the list continues. I can account many times in my life that I have told God no and had to learn the hard way that God is so much smarter and knows what he is doing. It involves trust; something I know is a stumbling block for my relationship with God. Why must I learn this lesson over and over again? Why can’t I trust Him wholeheartedly with my life, why must I have control?!?

 Some would argue that that is because I am the oldest child and have had to take control of many things within my family to make them happen and run smoothly. Others would argue that is why I went into medicine, first thinking I wanted to be a doctor, but now as a PA. It takes control, patience, and authority to make a clinic run. Yet others would say that authority and control in the form of administration is me because it scored highest on my spiritual inventory survey, followed by exhortation, and serving, showing mercy, and giving tied for third. When I lived with my roommates at Wartburg, we were the most indecisive bunch of girls I knew, and it was usually up to me to plan activities/fun stuff. In PA school, I would take on projects and assignments so that my class would have them. I was even in a leadership position for the PA honor society. So being “in control” is nothing new and I just tend to do it without even realizing it.

 This is the thing, I do trust God, but at times I question…

But you have come to Mount Zion, to the heavenly Jerusalem, the city of the living God. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the judge of all men, to the spirits of righteous men made perfect, to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.”

Hebrews 12:22-24

 I want to live my life, to glorify God in all I do. I am actively seeking God as He is seeking me. I am the one that laid my life at Jesus’ feet. I am the one who wants God to be the only thing my heart yearns for. I desire God to have all the glory, power, and control in and through me. So why do I question when things go a little different than I expected, but yet were part of God’s plan the entire time? It still boils down to trust…..

 I think most would agree that there is a very fine line when it comes to trust. I am sure most of us have been burned by trusting too much and have become cautious about trusting completely again. Then there have also been times where we haven’t trusted enough and it still some how ends up back firing and once again burned. Some hurt worst than others because of the relationship involved. The more involved, the more is hurts. You are hurt by that individual or feel trust has been betrayed.

My latest questioning of God has revolved around God telling me I am to serve him in Nebraska. I am excited about that, I have lived there for three years and can call Nebraska home. That however did come with some issues I have had to struggle and work through, which is the reason I think God has pointed me to Hebrews. My family has known since before I started PA school, that is would involve me moving away. They were fine with it three years ago… but now that it is very real, it has been difficult. A couple blogs ago this really came out into the open and I felt attacked. I asked God, “Please help me to help my family to understand.”  

 I was even accused of botching an interview/ I already turned it down (without telling them) because it was around my family. It really hurt that my family would think that of me, I love them so much; I don’t like and would never intentionally hurt them. They have been the ones to support me through everything; they are part of who I am. I even talked to my roomies, Bekah, Anna, and Casandra and my friends Jess and Deborah for perspective because it was really bugging me. I needed some spiritual support and prayers. I began to question God, are you really sure? I can feel it is right, but my family God, how?!?

 Finally I couldn’t stand it any longer and confronted my mom because I knew she would be honest with me. I laid it all out and told her that this is what God has laid upon my heart and I have to listen. Then I had to ask the question “Would you be this upset if I moved to Minnesota or any other state surrounding Iowa? Or is it because it is Nebraska?” Her response was of course we would be upset with any move, we want you here with us! We will miss you, but I have always known you would not live in Iowa. We love you a lot and don’t want you to be far away, but I know it is what you have to do. She even told me when they helped me move to Lincoln three years ago that started this journey she thought I would end up in Nebraska. SO why did I question God? Why couldn’t I trust Him completely?!?

 I need help working on my trust. God I trust you, but I don’t trust, trust you. I desire you to be in control, but I have a hard time letting it go. Please help me to trust, trust you and let you be in control. I know you will provide and that your plan is so much bigger than what I focus on here and now. Please let me be your vessel and help me to overcome these stumbling blocks. You are who I desire and I want to be consumed by you and for you.

I am learning to trust God. I have other issues I have given up to God (topics for a later date possibly) and it is out of my hands, God is in control. I pray daily for His involvement and me to let go of the control. I pray daily for patience in all of this and I know with His help, love, wisdom, and strength I will trust my Lord with all of my heart.

 Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our “God is a consuming fire.”

Hebrews 12:28-29

 

 

Foto Friday June 19, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — mafuller @ 12:26 PM

I just wanted to share some photos of the those who have impacted my life and celebrate them here on my post! Enjoy!

My Family   Grandma and Grandpa Lowary    Grandpa and I    Steph, Shanna, and I   Terri, Jamie, and I   

           My Family                           Gma and Gpa                   Gpa and I                    Steph, Shanna, and I     Terri, Jamie, and I

      Cape Cod, Mass                                                             Graduation MPAS                                                                  in Utah

Shannon, Phil and I in South Africa    Amy and I    Hayden Emory Black    Bryan, Me, Pretzel, Brian, and Jess    Deborah and I     

Shannon, Phil and I                 Amy and I                  Hayden Emory Black          Bryan, Me, Pretzel, Brian        Deborah and I

   in South Africa                                                        Amy’s son born June 17th         and Jess Last home

                                                                                                                                             concert at Wartburg

Ava Lynn    Kyleigh Marie    Anna and I    The Menter Family plus Me    Casandra and I

   Ava Lynn                      Kyleigh Marie                         Anna and I                           The Menter Family                   Casandra and I

                  Deborah’s Daughters                               Hooding Ceremony                           plus me

Rebekah and I   

        Rebekah and I

 

What a Beautiful Day! June 18, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — mafuller @ 11:47 AM

I woke up to hail bouncing off my window this morning followed by my brother running up the stairs yelling for my keys to my car…. Then I run downstairs to check the usual spots of where it leaks. I put a pot under the one to catch the dripping water and then checked our basements and the new one is flooding….. My first thoughts for the day were of hail damage to my car and crap! the basement is flooding got sweep the water into the sump pump…. After I get things under control with little help from the siblings, I remember today is the day I find out if I passed my certification boards… I open my laptop and sign into the NCCPA website to check….. I was nervous but…. I saw the word PASSED!!! I am officially a PA-C and it made the events of the morning seem insignificant. I passed the big test, I am going to see Hayden Emory Black for the first time, God has created a GLORIOUS DAY!!

I am Blessed:

  • I am a PA-C!
  • Hayden Emory Black
  • Grandpa feeling well after chemo on Mon
  • Kyleigh Marie and Ava Lynn
  • ALL of my wonderful friends!
  • A purpose, a plan, a path
  • Family
  • Each and everyday I get to live
  • Hearing God’s voice in the most unexpected ways
  • Walks down a gravel road watching the sky be lit with lightning bugs
  • Being there for a friend who is hurting
  • Brothers and sisters
  • God’s perfect and holy love
 

The Interview Process June 17, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — mafuller @ 10:56 AM

I had an interview today for a potential job….. It is interesting when you can see the writing on the wall before it begins. Of all the job interviews I have had for the many jobs I have held in the last 10 years, this one by far was the worse. There were signs this was not the place for me even before I began. First off I walk in, introduce myself to the receptionists who acted they could care less who I was and told me to sit and wait (sign 1). Then the manager walks in the door and barely says hello to me in the waiting room. He then comes out to collect me, introduces himself and proceeds to say, “I’m sorry I forgot your name…” (sign 2).  Wouldn’t you think that the office manager of all people would remember the name of the person they are interviewing for their open position?!?!? Then I am told to sit in a room and wait while the collect a few others for the interview. Quick introductions, and then right into tell us about yourself. I could tell as I was telling them about my background and passion for medicine and wanting to work in Nebraska, I could tell that they were not receptive to me and not really listening. They acted as if they had already made of their mind and that I had no chance to begin with. It also seemed the minute I said “Union College” the final nail was in the coffin. They asked your typical questions about my rotations, exposure to procedures, do I have a license yet, are your certified, etc. The the question of pay came up and I gave my answer based on what I have seen in job postings, but also what I have been offered in other interviews. The PA in the interview just went to town lecturing me on “you’re a new grad, asking for that kind of pay and not seeing the amount of patients we see is taking money away from us. Your first 2 years out of school is like an apprenticeship…… My experience is new grads don’t stay in their first job for more than 2 years, why should we pay someone that salary if they aren’t going to be with us for a period of time…..” That did it, in and out in 3o minutes.

My suggestion to those interviewing candidates for jobs…. regardless if you already have a candidate in mind or just starting to look for one, be friendly, open, and charasmatic. Yes I know you need to be choosy with whom you employ, but always make them feel welcomed. You get more flies with honey than vinegar. You are selling yourself and the compnay you work for just as much as the candidate is selling themselves to work for you.

Needless to say, I will not have a job in that clinic in the near future. I thank God for that because it is not an environment I want to be subjected to for 8+ hours a day, 40 hours a week. God sees the big picture and is revealing to me in pieces what he desires for me. So back to the job hunt, I will find the job God desires me to have in the area He wants me to live. On my drive in I was listening to KGBI, a Christian station where artist Aaron Shust and the verse he left the listeners with the verse Proverbs 21:31 Do your best, prepare for the worst—  then trust God to bring victory (translation is The Message). It made an impression and seems to go along with what I have been reading and reflecting Hebrews 12. So lets rock and roll, I am prepared and trust in God.

 

How is God Disciplining Me? June 16, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — mafuller @ 10:50 AM

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:    

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
      and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
 because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
      and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”

Hebrews 12:2-6

I have been reflecting upon this passage all weekend and I am still thinking about its implications. As a child I didn’t liked to be disciplined by my parents, it always meant I got caught doing something I should not be doing. A favorite memory is the time JC convinced a 1 ½ year old Hannah to “check how cold it was outside” (in the dead of winter) for us. She was only in a diaper and she put dad’s gloves one her feet and out she went. JC proceeded to shut the door and lock her out. Mom was not very happy with JC, Phebes, or me. And being the oldest in the situation, I was the one punished because “I knew better.”  I don’t even remember what my punishment was, but I knew I never liked what mom or dad came up with.

 Could I endure to the punishment, until the drawing of blood as Jesus did for me? I would like to think I could, but I know I can’t. It still amazes me the sacrifice that has been made for me, that I was worth the pain, I was worth the blood shed, and I was worth the death of Jesus; just to have me as God’s daughter. I am thankful for that sacrifice Jesus made for me, but as a Christian daughter I still struggle, sin, and must endure the discipline to make myself pure.

 I have been thinking about how God disciplines and what it looks like. Is He disciplining me by testing my faith or is that Satan trying to pull me away for God? Is his disciplining in the form of the hardships I feel in my life, is it the sin I am burdened with? “Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons.” I am a daughter of Christ, I endure hardship.

 A hardship I have been dealing with lately really reared its ugly head last night when I went on my first walk in a week, the weather cooperated!! I am tired of others assuming what I am thinking, my motives for doing things, and my intent/reasoning behind the things that drive me to pursue what makes me happy. I am burdened by knowing people are judging and assuming my motives are not what they assume them to be. I have made some hard decisions and I know in my heart that God has been there through each step, guiding me so that I may glorify and fulfill His will.

 I am burdened by how to respect the people in my life with what they assume, but also yearn for them to understand that God is in charge, I AM NOT. God is my driving force, He is leading me down the path he has placed before me. My prayer is that God will help me to help them understand that I am on the verge of great new beginnings that include them as well, but also it is my life and I need to live it as God has intended.

 “…but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:10b-11 So yes God please keep stretching and molding. Please keep pushing my limits, please keep disciplining me so that I may come to know you more. I am your daughter and I know that one days I will be with you and all this hardship I have endure here will be worth one second of being in your presence and seeing your face.