This last week or so I have been meditating and reflecting on God’s word in Hebrews 12. I randomly had turned to that section and I don’t think it was a coincidence. This chapter is packed of things I have been pondering and somewhat dealing with. The last section of this chapter Hebrews 12:14-29, concentrates warning us not to refuse God. It outlines the ways we refuse; not teaching others about God, treating fellow Christians badly, not seeking God’s word, not listening to God when he speaks to us, the list continues. I can account many times in my life that I have told God no and had to learn the hard way that God is so much smarter and knows what he is doing. It involves trust; something I know is a stumbling block for my relationship with God. Why must I learn this lesson over and over again? Why can’t I trust Him wholeheartedly with my life, why must I have control?!?
Some would argue that that is because I am the oldest child and have had to take control of many things within my family to make them happen and run smoothly. Others would argue that is why I went into medicine, first thinking I wanted to be a doctor, but now as a PA. It takes control, patience, and authority to make a clinic run. Yet others would say that authority and control in the form of administration is me because it scored highest on my spiritual inventory survey, followed by exhortation, and serving, showing mercy, and giving tied for third. When I lived with my roommates at Wartburg, we were the most indecisive bunch of girls I knew, and it was usually up to me to plan activities/fun stuff. In PA school, I would take on projects and assignments so that my class would have them. I was even in a leadership position for the PA honor society. So being “in control” is nothing new and I just tend to do it without even realizing it.
This is the thing, I do trust God, but at times I question…
“But you have come to Mount Zion, to the heavenly Jerusalem, the city of the living God. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the judge of all men, to the spirits of righteous men made perfect, to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.”
I want to live my life, to glorify God in all I do. I am actively seeking God as He is seeking me. I am the one that laid my life at Jesus’ feet. I am the one who wants God to be the only thing my heart yearns for. I desire God to have all the glory, power, and control in and through me. So why do I question when things go a little different than I expected, but yet were part of God’s plan the entire time? It still boils down to trust…..
I think most would agree that there is a very fine line when it comes to trust. I am sure most of us have been burned by trusting too much and have become cautious about trusting completely again. Then there have also been times where we haven’t trusted enough and it still some how ends up back firing and once again burned. Some hurt worst than others because of the relationship involved. The more involved, the more is hurts. You are hurt by that individual or feel trust has been betrayed.
My latest questioning of God has revolved around God telling me I am to serve him in Nebraska. I am excited about that, I have lived there for three years and can call Nebraska home. That however did come with some issues I have had to struggle and work through, which is the reason I think God has pointed me to Hebrews. My family has known since before I started PA school, that is would involve me moving away. They were fine with it three years ago… but now that it is very real, it has been difficult. A couple blogs ago this really came out into the open and I felt attacked. I asked God, “Please help me to help my family to understand.”
I was even accused of botching an interview/ I already turned it down (without telling them) because it was around my family. It really hurt that my family would think that of me, I love them so much; I don’t like and would never intentionally hurt them. They have been the ones to support me through everything; they are part of who I am. I even talked to my roomies, Bekah, Anna, and Casandra and my friends Jess and Deborah for perspective because it was really bugging me. I needed some spiritual support and prayers. I began to question God, are you really sure? I can feel it is right, but my family God, how?!?
Finally I couldn’t stand it any longer and confronted my mom because I knew she would be honest with me. I laid it all out and told her that this is what God has laid upon my heart and I have to listen. Then I had to ask the question “Would you be this upset if I moved to Minnesota or any other state surrounding Iowa? Or is it because it is Nebraska?” Her response was of course we would be upset with any move, we want you here with us! We will miss you, but I have always known you would not live in Iowa. We love you a lot and don’t want you to be far away, but I know it is what you have to do. She even told me when they helped me move to Lincoln three years ago that started this journey she thought I would end up in Nebraska. SO why did I question God? Why couldn’t I trust Him completely?!?
I need help working on my trust. God I trust you, but I don’t trust, trust you. I desire you to be in control, but I have a hard time letting it go. Please help me to trust, trust you and let you be in control. I know you will provide and that your plan is so much bigger than what I focus on here and now. Please let me be your vessel and help me to overcome these stumbling blocks. You are who I desire and I want to be consumed by you and for you.
I am learning to trust God. I have other issues I have given up to God (topics for a later date possibly) and it is out of my hands, God is in control. I pray daily for His involvement and me to let go of the control. I pray daily for patience in all of this and I know with His help, love, wisdom, and strength I will trust my Lord with all of my heart.
Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our “God is a consuming fire.”