Well it has been eons since I have updated here. I can think of many excuses (work, moving, too tired, getting settled, gone every weekend…) but to be honest with myself it is much more than that. Those of you who know me quite well know that I am a very sunshiny kinda person. I am always told that I always have a smile on my face, despite some of the crappiest of circumstances. I agree with that 95% of the time, I always find joy in some nook or crack in the world around me. Lately my heart has just felt burdened and not so cheerful.
It has been hard to find the words to explain my discontent and despair I have felt the last month plus. I haven’t been sleeping well, I haven’t talked to friends like I normally do, I have been kinda of walling myself off from the world when I can. (not easy at work when they are trying to teach the ropes) I don’t like to share some of the darker places, I like to keep them to myself for the most part, I find them hard to share. There few of you whom may have caught a glimpse or I have shared a story I don’t tell everyone. I tend to say those moments for those who need to hear that God can overcome and bring you out of the rubble, he has pulled me through many a times before and has yet to fail me while I fail him everyday…
Ironically enough I needed a nice little push from two different directions to make me face and process my darkness. The first came from Pastor Jason. I was visiting the crew in Lincoln and Pastor Jason has called their church to a time of prayer. Thanks for the 2×4 to the forehead God, I have been very poor in praying and talking to God lately. During that time at church I just let myself feel and pray over everything that was on my heart, the words that came to mind that were sorrow, pain, and need. Then the following weekend I was driving home after a impromptu visit to see my grandparents (stressful and hard to be there and be the medical advisor) and Deborah and the girls (lightened my load to have 2 little girls play and love on me) a good friend called me to check in. She called and said, “I am calling to listen instead of talk. Our relationship has been you listening to me and it is my turn to listen to you.” I will admit I was surprised by that and being me had a hard time talking, she will attest to that. 🙂 It was a good conversation, but she ended our call with letting me know that I needed to talk to the big guy. Yeah its true, I did.
The rest of the ride home was me letting out the bottled mess I have been running around with. Tears, words, and silence. It all boils down to I am not ready for the inevitable passing of my grandfather. I am beyond torn up, even now tears are at the edge. I am not ready to say goodbye, but it he is failing. Everytime I am with my grandparents, a small part of him is gone. This last weekend when they came to Atlantic to see my new home it is the best I have seen him look in months, but it is still hard. I know that in the end he is moving to a much better place and I will see him again, but in the present it is just so hard for me. He is my role model, he is who got me excited and into medicine. I can’t thank him enough for everything he has done for me. God is preparing me, I know he is but it doesn’t get easier. Which he also knows because he has given me an awesome family and an awesome support system of friends to lean on. So thank you to those who have been there for me, I truly appreciate it and thank God for all of you.
So I leave you with one more thought. These are the lyrics to my favorite hymn of all time written by Horatio G. Spafford. It gives me comfort and peace everytime I hear the melody and words.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.