I can honestly say that the last month has been….. well the last month. It has been a tug of war, a roller coaster, emotional, stressful, hard, convicting, eye opening, real. The smattering of the emotions I have felt has been across the entire spectrum. It truly has been an eye opener and God has moved and broken down walls I have built so skillfully to protect myself not only from this world we live in but the walls that have kept me from my intimate relationship with God. I will admit I am not perfect, but I am forgiven. God is pushing hard to get my whole heart to be his and his alone. This past 48 hours have truly opened my eyes and has left me completely stripped….. naked…. vulnerable. To show you this defining moment I need to take you to the beginning and share with you, the good, the bad, the ugly. God is pushing to share and be completely honest so that I can move forward with him.
Like most young girls we all picture our wedding days. The dress we will wear, the friends you ask to stand with you, the man whom you love standing at your side promising like you to love and be faithful until death do us part. I am not any different. As a young girl, marrying a godly man and rising a family together has been a major desire of my heart for as long as I can remember. Ask anyone, it is still a desire of my heart. A desire of my heart that has become so important that my relationship with God has been neglected. Hmm….. not a good thing. I realize and see this now with hind sight.
I am able to allow God be in complete control of some parts of my life. My job is a prime example. I trusted that God would place me where he needed to be. When I gave that part of my life up, I was offered a job in Atlantic. That is just one example among others in my life where God’s way is SOOOO much better than anything I could do without him. I tend to make a giant mess when I meddle….
Well I have been checking those desires/goals for myself on my list. PA school.. check. Job I love as a PA…. check. Become a healthier me… check, still in progress. Very proud of this one, I have lost a total of 13.5 pounds since I began my workouts and eating better. Get married…. nope not even a relationship. Have children….. previous not met, means no children. What can I say I am a bit traditional. It just seemed appropriate and time to start working on that the fourth on my list. The girls at work even helped, their response was no single men in Atlantic we would allow you to date, and we like you too much to do that to you. Their suggestion, eHarmony. A friend of mine had recently joined and it has been mentioned to me multiple times by my own family. Like I said I am laying it all out there, I joined eHarmony. Yep I took the dive and even paid for the subscription.
There were a few nibbles, but nothing solid. Valentine’s Day weekend proved to be interesting and chatted fairly seriously with one match, but wasn’t meant to be. I found myself doing the check for rings, which is wrong. I felt myself getting desperate. I had a few pity parties here and there because nothing was happening. Well there was a big reason for that. I was putting this pursuit of a man in front of what is more important, my relationship with God. And he told me so in small ways I chose to ignore. I became more negative and I saw it affect more of my life, I really kind of let it get out of control. I was even pulled aside at work because a rumor of me not being happy got to my boss. The evil one totally had a hold of me and was poisoning my mind. I can’t even tell you how many times I talked to my best friend Deb about this very subject. How many times was it Deb? J It was all I could think about. I was entirely focused on something completely out of my reach. I found myself jealous of my friends who have exactly the thing I desired.
Well let me just tell you my God is a jealous God and wasn’t going to stand for it anymore. His subtle hints I was choosing to ignore so he pulled out all the stops. The first, no new matches on eHarmony. And if there was one I was kind of interested in, the match would be closed by the other party within 24 hours of me thinking that exact thing. I went to a certification class in Omaha for my job. Lots of residents and doctors. Thought one was nice and cute. Next morning, low and behold married. There are still more instances that are somewhat pivotal but not necessary to mention. The biggest moment happened to me this past weekend at the Women of Faith Conference I had the pleasure of going to with Deborah. An amazing experience let me tell you. There is just something about 6,000 plus women together in one spot worshiping and learning about our amazing God. FYI, all you women who read this you are totally coming next year!
It was Friday night of the conference and we had just gotten back to Vets after our break between the afternoon and evening session. Deb and I were just hanging out at our seats, talking and listening to the music playing. A volunteer for World Vision came up to us to talk about sponsoring a child. This was someone we had never met before, but oddly enough she was from Marshalltown. We chatted about sponsoring kids for awhile since Deb and her husband sponsor a little girl last year. Well the lady turned to me and we chatted about how this was my first time to Woman of Faith. Talked about how this weekend really helps us focus on our relationship with God and where we are. She began to relate it to marriage and asked me if I was married. Obviously my answer was no. Right then and there, point blanked she looked at me and said (paraphrasing now, I can’t remember it all) “God has a godly man for you. I don’t know if you will meet him in 6 months or 10 years for now, but God has a godly man for you. Don’t worry about it, he is in control. I know it is hard but God is stretching and molding you. He is in your cookie jar and it isn’t comfortable. God wants you to actively pursuit his heart and his heart alone.”
Wow…. wow….. wow. Nothing can explain that moment other than God was speaking through that woman right to me and me alone. Yep, I hear you loud and clear God. I can’t ignore this amazing word through this woman. I can’t deny you are right here and telling me point blank to trust you. To turn my focus off something you want me to lay at your feet. To turn my eyes to you and you alone. The tears fell right then and there. It was such a cleansing and purifying cry. Even now I still tear up at the great lengths my God had to go to tell me to stop and seek Him alone because I am stubborn, that I was scared, that I fear being alone so much I turned away from him to find companionship on Earth and not looking Heavenward to him to be the one to fill me up. I think the best part of it all is that Deb was right there sitting next to me and heard it all with me. The one I have confided al my insecurities to. She even felt blessed to be in that moment with me.
The program then began again with the WOF worship team singing. I instantly felt lighter, a huge burden of fear, insecurity, a weight of I was not worthy of that relationship was taken off me and laid at my Jesus’ feet. I knew instantly I had made that decision to lay that desire of a husband and family at his feet and let him be in control of it all. At that moment I was released from the evil one’s snare he had on my heart. My heart was returned to its rightful owner. I was able to spend the rest of the conference filling my soul up with God’s word through amazing speakers.
So now, six days later after my word from God, what does it look like? It amazing actually. I feel lighter. I find myself not concerned at all with marriage or the opposite sex in that manner either. I don’t care to know the “status” of the men my age that have come and gone this past week. I even feel God telling me not to sign into eHarmony to check my matches. That one has been the hardest since it is paid until July, but I am obeying. I am pursuing to understand the heart of my God. I am diving deeper into my relationship with him. I am meeting with amazing women once a week in the church I have called mine here in town for bible study. I have an amazing co-worker who reminds me multiple times day about my amazing God who loves me and called me his own. I have a best friend who has been encouraging me one a daily basis in my new found release of what held me so tightly. Being released from this snare has allowed me to handle other aspects of my life that seem to be troubling. That however is another blog entirely.
So there you have it, my good, my bad, and my ugliness I hide from this world. God is taking it all and will glorify himself through me and I am ready to serve and I am ready to get reacquainted with him. Most of all he has set me free and never gave up on this child. He came and rescued me from a very dark place I couldn’t see how far in I truly was. I am beyond grateful for our amazing God. I am so glad He is what He is. Praise the Lord for choosing me. I hope this somehow blesses you where ever you maybe. I pray that God is actively pursuing you like has me. There is no greater love than this.
You did not choose ME, but I chose YOU. John 15:16
And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don’t worry about these things, saying, “What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?” These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Matthew 6:30-32
But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.
2 Thessalonians 3:3
But by the GRACE of God I AM what I AM. 1 Corinthians 15:10