Awed and Amazed

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!!"

Women of Faith Wednesday July 21, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mafuller @ 8:20 PM
During difficult times in life, who has supported you, or who have you supported?

 

Man I have taken quite the hiatus from blogging…… I was on facebook this afternoon and came across the WOF Wednesday blog topic. Ironically it has been something I have been wanting to post on and just haven’t had the words or readiness to share with those of you who read my blog. I apologize to you since I haven’t been on to share what is going with me and the amazing things God still shows me on a daily basis. In difficult times, who has supported me? Have I supported others?

April brought a HUGE change in the hierarchy of my family. Just after Easter my grandfather, made the final, big decline in his health. He himself could see the end and even told his oncologist that is was time for hospice and that his days here on Earth were very limited. It is also the weekend that he pretty much staying in the bedroom instead of coming out into the living room to spend time with us. It is also the time he hardly ate two bites before he became very sick to his stomach and out it came. The end of March into April was when the jaundice set in and him and I talked about how we both knew it was the cancer. It also the time he diagnosed a large mass on his liver (he was a doctor for 42 years). At this point I refused to truly believe the end was near. I begged and prayed to have him just a little more time. I wasn’t ready to let him go.  The next weekend I went to stay with my grandparents to have more time with him. I was laying in bed with him that Saturday and he told me he had one more conversation to have with me. He fell asleep after telling me from the exhaustion. On Sunday before I left I was laying with him, telling him how much I loved him and that I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. He didn’t know who I was, he asked me multiple time who I was and why I was there. He had been doing more and more that week. I gave him one more great big hug, told him I loved him very much, thanked him for everything and said one day I will see you again, kissed his forehead and walked out. I headed start to the garage because I didn’t want grandma seeing me crying. I had a sinking feeling that was my last time with him. Of course grandma came out per her usual for sending any of us off and began to cry with me. We hugged and off I went, crying 3/4 of the way home.

Wednesday of that week, my mother called to let me know that my aunt and uncle were because hospice had been there and told them death was near, it would be within 24 hours. After the call I immediate began to pack for heading home, I remember it being very hard trying to decide what I would wear at his funeral. I also remember while I was packing, God was there with me. I felt uneasy and I felt him pushing me to let go and let him do what he needed to do. At 10:30 I said the prayer God I will miss him so much, but I know his time has come to go home. Please take him with you and make it painless for him. Here is the cool God part in this all. At 10:30 that night my mom, aunt and uncle encouraged my grandma to go lay with grandpa and take a nap because she was so exhausted. At 11:30 she woke in a panic and was hard to focus what was going on. Finally she told her children that God was telling her to let grandpa go, let him come home. Grandma then asked her kids to pray with her and did just that. Then my uncle spent some time with him, then my mother. She gave him some medicine repositioned him to make him more comfortable and read some scripture from a small little book they had gotten. She then traded spots with my aunt who continued to read from this book. My aunt looked down at the book and looked at grandpa and knew he was gone. I myself had stayed awake because I just couldn’t shake the feeling I had. I called my mom shortly at 12:30 and she confirmed grandpa had passed on.

At that point she asked me to call my siblings and dad to let them know. My sister who is in the army and in Colorado didn’t answer right away so I had to leave a message. She called back 20 minutes later and her and I just sat on the phone together and just cried. That was the only support we could give each other at that point. We were on the phone like that for almost an hour. She left to call mom and called me back and we still cried but we were able to talk as well. Sleep finally came at 3 and I headed to grandma’s at 7 that morning after a call to my boss and taking off the rest of the week. The time between that phone to the funeral is kinda hazy. I felt so numb and it all felt so surreal. I remember crying most of the driving up and lost it when I saw grandma. I jumped in and help get this organized and ready. The one thing my grandfather had asked me at Christmas before was to sing with my brother’s girlfriend at the funeral. I had been hemming and hawing about doing it, but at that point I was determined. I wanted to do that one thing for him, by God’s grace I was going to pull it together and sing.

The visitation was better than I expected. It was hard for my siblings more than it was for me. Seeing earthly body gave me a peace. I didn’t cry, I smiled. He wasn’t there, he was home and I had a peace. It allowed me to be there for my brother and sisters. it allowed me to be there for my cousins and grandma. It allowed to delight in the amazing things he did here on Earth and reminisce with old friends. The funeral was a little harder. Before they closed the casket all of the grandkids were allowed to put something in there with him. I had kept my acceptance letter for PA school. I couldn’t believe I still had it. I placed it in there with him because medicine is a passion we shared. I loved calling him and talking about medicine with him. I still do. I had amazing friends come and support me. Danny and Steph, 2 friends from high school came as well as my best friend Deborah and her husband Jacob. I was able to sing and fulfill what my grandpa had asked. I cried as stories were shared by my grandma’s sister Baja, my uncle and my father. A special touch is we gave my grandpa a navy well done as his casket was taken from the funeral service like did for all of us grandkids when we made a huge accomplishment. The cemetary was hard. My sister along with a good family friend Tom present my grandma with my grandpa’s flag for his service in the Navy. My sister shook and cried through it all. Our final goodbyes were then started by the grandkids. I went first and I completely lost it. Right there was Deb and Jake to hug me and just be there when I needed it most. Danny was close behind.

From then it has gotten easier. I still break down and cry, but it is easier. Support is what got me through this. My grandfather was a HUGE part of my life. He is the one that inspired and supported me to go into medicine. I feel privileged as his only grandkid thus far doing and loving what he did for 42 years. Without my family and my friends this would have been harder. They were just there, to love on me with no judgement. I was also able to help support my family through this as well. To be there for my grandma as the medical mind to explain and talk through what was going on. To discuss and share scripture that spoke to grandma and grandpa while they read the bible together those last months before his death. Just to listen to her and get things off her chest. To be there for my siblings, a long sobbing phone with a sister 600 plus miles away who desperately wanted to be with her family. To give a reassure hug to my brother and youngest sister and cousins. To discuss with Hannah to help her understand. My biggest support was God. I knew he was there, watching, comforting. He showed me his presence in some of the dumbest things I prayed for. He was there through it all. And he is still here. I have learned to find him in the smallest, most miniscule parts of my day. I am happy he continues to show me his presence, something I have needed. I have been in this funk and I think it is time to rise out of it and be more part of this world instead of going through the motions. An awesome song, thanks Matthew West. 🙂

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Women of Faith Wednesday April 8, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mafuller @ 2:25 PM

This week’s topic:        If you could become a Women of Faith speaker, what would you talk about?

I find this week’s topic an interesting one. I to this day remember the day committed my life to God. I was in 8th grade attending summer camp at Riverside Lutheran Bible Camp. I had been a camper there since I was in fifth grade and watch the camp change when the new director and his wife came there. I remember the girls that were in my cabin. I remember being shy and afraid that I wouldn’t become their friends. I was wrong, it still amazes me to this day how God works in people. We had an awesome week together as girls, in fact I still take to a few of them to this day off and on. One highlight of camp (to this day it still a highlight and I go time to time) is the mime worship on Thursday night. Seeing the story of Jesus performed by the staff counselors, seeing the story that brought Jesus to the cross and die for ME, I gave my life to him. I remember it distinctly because a guy in  white shirt told to follow my heart and God would lead the way. To this day I still not sure if he was a guest for the night or an angel of God, but I have never forgotten it.

Well that tangent leads me to my answer, if I was a WOF speaker, what would I talk about?

At this same camp where I dedicated my life to God I also served as a counselor for 2 years. I wanted to be there for girls who may or may not have known God and be someone they could talk to about it. I was excited to share God’s word with these young women and see how God would soften their hearts over the week that they were there. I can’t tell you how many times I was called upon to share and meet those girls where they were. I can’t tell you how many times I shared what I had with those girls.

At this season in my life, there are many things I could talk on. Being a physician assistant I am called to discuss tougher topics, that I find are best backed by the word of God. I approach each day that I am in my office with a servant heart, prepared to show my patients God in my actions. If I was a speaker I would talk about how God is reflected in all aspects of my life and then the times He isn’t. I would talk about my struggles I have had and how God lead my down the correct path that ultimately glorified him with my actions. I am single, successful, hard-working 27 who could talk to other young women struggling this season of life with the many obstacles and distractions. I could talk about my struggle on not having a job and praying and trusting in God to provide. I could talk about God using my singleness. With God the possibilities are endless. Everytime that I have been called upon to speak, God has always given me the words.

To answer simply, I have experiences different from others that God will use to share with women who need encouragement.

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WOF Wednesday March 24, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mafuller @ 9:16 PM

What’s your favorite thing about Women of Faith? Is it the message? The music? Perhaps the drama? Or could it be just getting away with your girlfriends?

Although my previous post really states why I loved my first time at WOF, I would have to say my favorites thing about WOF were the speakers. Because God is good, in every message there was something specifically for me that God wanted me to hear. It was awesome!! I have to say I really liked listening to Andy Andrews and Pasty’s stories. All in all it was an awesome first time at WOF and I am looking forward to next year and bringing my family and friends!

The music was also awesome!!

http://www.mcklinky.com/linky_include_bloghop_public.asp?id=21900

 

No Greater Love March 19, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mafuller @ 9:20 PM

I can honestly say that the last month has been….. well the last month. It has been a tug of war, a roller coaster, emotional, stressful, hard, convicting, eye opening, real. The smattering of the emotions I have felt has been across the entire spectrum. It truly has been an eye opener and God has moved and broken down walls I have built so skillfully to protect myself not only from this world we live in but the walls that have kept me from my intimate relationship with God. I will admit I am not perfect, but I am forgiven. God is pushing hard to get my whole heart to be his and his alone. This past 48 hours have truly opened my eyes and has left me completely stripped….. naked…. vulnerable.  To show you this defining moment I need to take you to the beginning and share with you, the good, the bad, the ugly. God is pushing to share and be completely honest so that I can move forward with him.

Like most young girls we all picture our wedding days. The dress we will wear, the friends you ask to stand with you, the man whom you love standing at your side promising like you to love and be faithful until death do us part. I am not any different. As a young girl, marrying a godly man and rising a family together has been a major desire of my heart for as long as I can remember. Ask anyone, it is still a desire of my heart. A desire of my heart that has become so important that my relationship with God has been neglected. Hmm….. not a good thing. I realize and see this now with hind sight.

I am able to allow God be in complete control of some parts of my life. My job is a prime example. I trusted that God would place me where he needed to be. When I gave that part of my life up, I was offered a job in Atlantic. That is just one example among others in my life where God’s way is SOOOO much better than anything I could do without him. I tend to make a giant mess when I meddle….

Well I have been checking those desires/goals for myself on my list. PA school.. check. Job I love as a PA…. check. Become a healthier me… check, still in progress. Very proud of this one, I have lost a total of 13.5 pounds since I began my workouts and eating better. Get married…. nope not even a relationship. Have children….. previous not met, means no children. What can I say I am a bit traditional. It just seemed appropriate and time to start working on that the fourth on my list. The girls at work even helped, their response was no single men in Atlantic we would allow you to date, and we like you too much to do that to you. Their suggestion, eHarmony. A friend of mine had recently joined and it has been mentioned to me multiple times by my own family. Like I said I am laying it all out there, I joined eHarmony. Yep I took the dive and even paid for the subscription.

There were a few nibbles, but nothing solid. Valentine’s Day weekend proved to be interesting and chatted fairly seriously with one match, but wasn’t meant to be. I found myself doing the check for rings, which is wrong. I felt myself getting desperate. I had a few pity parties here and there because nothing was happening. Well there was a big reason for that. I was putting this pursuit of a man in front of what is more important, my relationship with God. And he told me so in small ways I chose to ignore. I became more negative and I saw it affect more of my life, I really kind of let it get out of control. I was even pulled aside at work because a rumor of me not being happy got to my boss. The evil one totally had a hold of me and was poisoning my mind. I can’t even tell you how many times I talked to my best friend Deb about this very subject. How many times was it Deb? J It was all I could think about. I was entirely focused on something completely out of my reach. I found myself jealous of my friends who have exactly the thing I desired.

Well let me just tell you my God is a jealous God and wasn’t going to stand for it anymore. His subtle hints I was choosing to ignore so he pulled out all the stops. The first, no new matches on eHarmony. And if there was one I was kind of interested in, the match would be closed by the other party within 24 hours of me thinking that exact thing. I went to a certification class in Omaha for my job. Lots of residents and doctors. Thought one was nice and cute. Next morning, low and behold married. There are still more instances that are somewhat pivotal but not necessary to mention. The biggest moment happened to me this past weekend at the Women of Faith Conference I had the pleasure of going to with Deborah.  An amazing experience let me tell you. There is just something about 6,000 plus women together in one spot worshiping and learning about our amazing God. FYI, all you women who read this you are totally coming next year!

It was Friday night of the conference and we had just gotten back to Vets after our break between the afternoon and evening session. Deb and I were just hanging out at our seats, talking and listening to the music playing. A volunteer for World Vision came up to us to talk about sponsoring a child. This was someone we had never met before, but oddly enough she was from Marshalltown. We chatted about sponsoring kids for awhile since Deb and her husband sponsor a little girl last year. Well the lady turned to me and we chatted about how this was my first time to Woman of Faith. Talked about how this weekend really helps us focus on our relationship with God and where we are. She began to relate it to marriage and asked me if I was married. Obviously my answer was no. Right then and there, point blanked she looked at me and said (paraphrasing now, I can’t remember it all) “God has a godly man for you. I don’t know if you will meet him in 6 months or 10 years for now, but God has a godly man for you. Don’t worry about it, he is in control. I know it is hard but God is stretching and molding you. He is in your cookie jar and it isn’t comfortable.  God wants you to actively pursuit his heart and his heart alone.”

Wow…. wow….. wow. Nothing can explain that moment other than God was speaking through that woman right to me and me alone. Yep, I hear you loud and clear God. I can’t ignore this amazing word through this woman. I can’t deny you are right here and telling me point blank to trust you. To turn my focus off something you want me to lay at your feet. To turn my eyes to you and you alone. The tears fell right then and there. It was such a cleansing and purifying cry. Even now I still tear up at the great lengths my God had to go to tell me to stop and seek Him alone because I am stubborn, that I was scared, that I fear being alone so much I turned away from him to find companionship on Earth and not looking Heavenward to him to be the one to fill me up. I think the best part of it all is that Deb was right there sitting next to me and heard it all with me. The one I have confided al my insecurities to. She even felt blessed to be in that moment with me.

The program then began again with the WOF worship team singing. I instantly felt lighter, a huge burden of fear, insecurity, a weight of I was not worthy of that relationship was taken off me and laid at my Jesus’ feet. I knew instantly I had made that decision to lay that desire of a husband and family at his feet and let him be in control of it all. At that moment I was released from the evil one’s snare he had on my heart. My heart was returned to its rightful owner. I was able to spend the rest of the conference filling my soul up with God’s word through amazing speakers.

So now, six days later after my word from God, what does it look like? It amazing actually. I feel lighter. I find myself not concerned at all with marriage or the opposite sex in that manner either. I don’t care to know the “status” of the men my age that have come and gone this past week. I even feel God telling me not to sign into eHarmony to check my matches. That one has been the hardest since it is paid until July, but I am obeying. I am pursuing to understand the heart of my God. I am diving deeper into my relationship with him. I am meeting with amazing women once a week in the church I have called mine here in town for bible study. I have an amazing co-worker who reminds me multiple times day about my amazing God who loves me and called me his own. I have a best friend who has been encouraging me one a daily basis in my new found release of what held me so tightly. Being released from this snare has allowed me to handle other aspects of my life that seem to be troubling. That however is another blog entirely.

So there you have it, my good, my bad, and my ugliness I hide from this world. God is taking it all and will glorify himself through me and I am ready to serve and I am ready to get reacquainted with him. Most of all he has set me free and never gave up on this child. He came and rescued me from a very dark place I couldn’t see how far in I truly was. I am beyond grateful for our amazing God. I am so glad He is what He is. Praise the Lord for choosing me. I hope this somehow blesses you where ever you maybe. I pray that God is actively pursuing you like has me. There is no greater love than this.

You did not choose ME, but I chose YOU. John 15:16

 

And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don’t worry about these things, saying, “What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?” These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.  Matthew 6:30-32

 

But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.

2 Thessalonians 3:3

 

But by the GRACE of God I AM what I AM. 1 Corinthians 15:10   

 

Worth a Look and Meditation February 18, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mafuller @ 1:24 AM

For those of you who aren’t my fellow blogger friends and check my site at times, I am highly recommended two of my fellow bloggers. One is my good friend Bekah who is doing a love month, a post a day about love. I recommend reading it and see how it pertains to where you are in your walk and relationship status. I also recommend my friend Joshua’s latest post as well. It ties in with Bekah’s blogs for the month, also something to really reflect upon in this world will live in. Both can be found under my blogroll. Bekahcubed is my friend Bekah (sorry a bit late since it is the 18th of Feb) and Joshua’s is thoughts and reflections. Enjoy!

 

The Old Has Gone, The New Has Come February 8, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mafuller @ 10:20 AM

It’s been 2 months since my last post…. wow. I didn’t realize how busy and unmotivated I have been. Maybe all this winter weather has finally gotten to me…. It has been one heck of a winter. Who would have thought that it would be tough. Not only did I move here 7 months ago, I have dealt with so much I am SOOO glad I am not a home owner and just a renter. It started this fall with my key breaking off in the lock. Relatively small, but none the less an inconvenience. Then winter came with the first snow on Oct 10th. I was excited to see the snow since winter is my favorite time of year. Then snow and more snow came. Atlantic hit the record in December with 25+ inches of snow. That storm there was NO way my little 4 door was getting out of the drive. I also learned very quickly with 4 hills to climb to work Gus just wasn’t going to cut it and Gus went to a new home  (my car). Then Atlantic hit another record for the winter in January, 40 below. That weekend I was going to Lincoln to hang with the crew, which changed quickly when I woke up with no water. Yep you guessed my water pipes froze. And to add to the fun of that weekend my landlord was in Minnesota and I was the only tenant. Then the end of January brought the dreaded ice storm. Yep tree above my building fell and dislodged our power meter from the side of the building. It was really cool to watch the transformer blow up though.

But despite it all I have made it through, a few inconveniences, some major, but perseverance is the word. I had somewhat of a wake up call/ it is time to make a change in January. After saying I was going to start working out I finally have made that change. I don’t what really made it finally time to do so, but I have begun and am loving it. I am still getting used to getting up at 530 in the morning to go tread water at the Y, but when I get there and get going, it is the best way to start the day. I have learned my foot still detests any vigorous walking (darn plantar faciitis) but water is ok. I am starting my 3rd week and I am up to 6 days a week. I have lost 4 pounds which is super exciting for me. The old me has gone, a new one is starting to unfold. Maybe it has been the tough winter that has led to this change, maybe I need something to get me through the end of this winter. Whatever it was that really pushed me to start I am thankful. The most important however to keep me motivated to reach my goal is my friends who encourage me everyday (thanks Deb) and God’s perseverance he has given me. I know that only he will be able to sustain me when I feel like I am making no progress and those mornings I find uber hard to get up.  And he will also get me through the rest of this winter, my favorite time of the year, but I am ready for the greens of spring. 🙂

  So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.                                                  

 2 Corinthians 5:16-21

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Phillipians 4:13

 

Christmas Blessings December 26, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — mafuller @ 2:05 AM

This is a post I have been thinking about on and off for the past month. It started with the simplest of questions asked in my heart, “What does Christmas mean to you?” All the obvious answers came quickly to mind. This is the day we celebrate the birth of our Savior, the one who makes it possible for me to be alive. Another was time to gather with the family. A time to see friends who are home for Christmas from far away. Yet another in my younger years, Santa comes to visit! This Christmas season has become a time of reflection.

I have been reflecting on the last twenty four years, the good, the bad and the ugly. (My earliest memory was at the age of 3 (?) playing with Phoebe in our yard) I can truly say I have come quite a way with a journey still ahead. At the age of five I would have not picture me at the point I am at today. Going through some old papers from school when I moved this summer, I came across a letter I wrote to myself in middle school. It talked about my dreams and goals I had set for myself to complete before the year 2014. Yes I opened it early to see what I had written.

In that letter is discussed me becoming a pediatrician, having a family and husband. It also talked about what was going on in middle school. In just that short time since being in middle school (10 years) ago how God has already changed my path. At twenty seven, I am a PA, not an MD in family medicine with a big flux of kiddos. Along the lines of my goal, but it a direction I never saw. A direction that is still unfolding before my eyes everyday.

Most of my reflection has been spent on the memories I have made with those in my life. April Frohwein my best friend in elementary school playing house and eating chili. J The passing of my Great Grandma Mary and me playing Amazing Grace on my flute in fifth grade. Many summer memories on Cape Cod playing with my cousins and putting on the AMP Dance Show. J Wartburg College, U-RAH RAH RAH! Three years living in Lincoln – Hx Px, Philadelphia, LCF, ABCs, the Circuit. Gag gifts every Christmas, the addition Ellie, the loss of Marion.

Most of all it is the tidbits of life lessons and advice I will remember most. Tonight as the night was winding down, I laid with my grandfather in bed, warming up grandma’s side for her. It wasn’t a long time but quality most definitely. We talked about this crazy Christmas blizzard to medicine and the fun we have already had today.  We even discussed grandpa’s mortality and his last request he has asked of me, to sing at his funeral. What stuck must was he said “I can’t begin to comprehend all of God’s vastness, but I don’t want to. The human body wasn’t made to last, it is just a shell we borrow for a short time while it wears out. Mine is worn out.”

Christmas is to me is first and foremost about and celebrating our Savior, but I live for these moments I get to connect with those I love. And hearing my grandfather talk about his faith with me is a gift I will treasure for the rest of my life. God I thank you for tonight, the snow, my safe arrival and travel home, my family, my friends, my job, and most importantly my grandfather. Thank you for your unwavering love, joy, peace, loyalty and never leaving my side.

“Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the Gentiles, by the way of the sea, along the Jordan- The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as men rejoice when dividing the plunder. For as in the day of Midian’s defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor. Every warrior’s boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire. For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David’s throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.”

Isaiah 9:1-7